I couldn’t tell you why I’m sending this to you, but I am. I hate myself for doing it because I’m just causing myself more issues, but I can’t sacrifice any more sleep over this. I’m literally falling apart.
I’ve gone through tons of emotional states throughout these past few months. I was proud of myself for finally ending our relationship. I was upset for a few days and cried at night in my practice room, but I guess being busy with SAI elections and schoolwork took my mind off of it. Formal sucked because I knew we were supposed to actually go together this year, and I spent the whole time dealing with Jocelyn’s stupid girl drama. Then I got shitfaced at the after party and barely remember it. After that, I was pretty much numb. I tried focusing on other guys but it never worked. People kept telling me I would get over it, I’ll get used to it, It’ll be okay, the first few weeks are the hardest, it gets easier, etc. etc. etc. Well…they were all wrong, weren’t they? I got worse. By finals week I was crying myself to sleep because all of my friends were out with their boyfriends and I was stuck inside, not even able to talk to you.
I thought I did what was best for the both of us - especially me. But you know what I’ve realized? This was best for you, and not for me. You seem happier, more independent, more focused, and overall better without me. But I’m a fucking mess. I want you to be happy and live a great, wonderful, successful life. But I want so badly to be your number one sidekick, your best friend, your soul mate, your one and only. You know, I had a dream last night…we were living together in our own apartment in West Chester with Edgar. We both had jobs, both went to classes, did chores together, watched tv together, studied together…everything. We were in love and happy. We brought out the best in each other. I had that dream, and I realized that our entire relationship was us talking about the bad in each other. I would always tell you what I didn’t like about you. But I think I realize now that I should’ve looked past that, and instead brought out the good in you. In a perfect world, I would take all of this back and start over on a good foot. But the world isn’t perfect and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that chance.
I’m realizing more and more that we live in a society where people simply throw away things that are broken without trying to fix them. Where, when our parents were our age, they fixed things that were broken. I’m not sure if it has to do with technology, or just the way the world is, but I wish we were like our parents. We were completely broken, Jimmy. We were shattered and breaking even more. But instead of throwing away those pieces, I should have glued them back together with even more love than before. I could have fixed us…but instead I ruined us. I will always live with this mistake: throwing away the best thing that has ever, and will ever, happen to me. I know I keep telling you that, but I don’t think you (or anyone, for that matter) will ever understand that. I’ve tried to tell people that I’m upset, I miss you, I’m sad, I screwed up. And all they can say is “It’ll be okay, you did the right thing.”
I guess what I’m trying to say is…I’m never going to be over you. I know deep in my heart that you were the only one for me. We were supposed to be high school sweethearts. I don’t care if you think I’m being over dramatic, emotional, ridiculous, depressed, stupid…I don’t care. I know you’re the one. I can feel it in my heart, in my mind, in my soul. I don’t expect you to suddenly want to come back to me again. I don’t even expect you to be my friend if that’s too much of a burden for you. But I need you to know how I feel. The whole reason this started was because I wasn’t open with you and I wasn’t telling you how I feel. I have a habit of bottling everything up until I’m ready to explode, and then exploding on the wrong person and treating them like complete shit. Although I regret ever breaking up with you, I am going to use it as a learning experience and hope to do better next time (if there ever is a next time for me).
I need you to know that I really care about you. No matter how many names I’ve called you, how many times I’ve bitched you out, how many times I’ve flat out treated you like shit…I deeply and sincerely care about you. In a perfect world, I would do all I can for you to live a happy, healthy life. Whether that’s helping you study, making you dinner, buying you your favorite video games, listening to your problems, or letting you cry on my shoulder. But, again, it’s not a perfect world, and I think I’ve lost all those privileges (rightfully so). I want you to be happy, and if that means it’s without me, then so be it. I may not like it, I may lose sleep over it, I may cry my eyes out over it, but I’ll try to accept it because I genuinely want you to be happy.
My ultimate dream would be to try again. Like deleting a pokemon file after beating the elite four and starting all over, because you wanted a different starter pokemon. I would want to start over, because I didn’t like what I did to you. I’ve played it out in my head: we’d start fresh and tell no one. Go on dates, talk about life, get to know each other all over again. Fall in love all over again, and figure out how to fix everything. Be open with each other and talk about any problems. Even though I may be at school 45 minutes away, I know it could work…the only reason the long distance situation didn’t work was me; i take full responsibility. I wasn’t proactive about our relationship…I will admit that my first two years were insanely stressful, but i didn’t handle the situation properly and for that I’m truly sorry.
We’ve shared so many wonderful memories together…it’s really sad that they’re basically going to waste. From our first kiss, to all of our anniversaries, to the family parties, to the more intimate moment we’ve shared…I really wish we could continue to make memories like this. I want to be a new and improved girlfriend to you. I want to surprise you with gifts, and visit you at work, and cook you dinner, and give you back massages, and help you study, and come to your concerts, and the list goes on and on…I am so willing to change for you and be a better girlfriend, but I understand that it might be too late for that.
I will never forgive myself for breaking your heart and making your life a living hell. In my mind, I can see it working. But I don’t want you to come back to me because you feel bad. I want you to do it because you genuinely want to. I want you to do it because you get butterflies thinking about us, because you want to feel that spark again, because you want to be happy with me, because you want to work with me to fix this. You have every right in the world to not want to ever date me again…but I will always want a second chance. And if you ever want to try again, I need you to know that I’ll be waiting. I can’t promise you that I’ll always be around, but as far as I’m concerned, I’m never going to get over you.
I love you, Jimmy. I don’t want you to forget that. If you ever need anything - and I mean ANYTHING - I will be here for you. Please remember me when you’re in need. I will do anything for you. “I want all of you, forever, you and me, everyday”
Love, Always and Forever,