i thought we were getting somewhere. i thought this was going to work. i really did.

when you went away backpacking, i was worried that you were gonna come back and ignore me…but you didn’t. and i got myself in there when you got back, and we did our thing…and it was amazing.

i offered to leave so you could sleep and you said ‘no.’ from then on i thought this was real. i thought that we were actually going to get another chance. and when you hugged me, i nearly cried, and you said ‘let’s hang out this week.’ and that was it. it was happening. and i was so happy.

but the day slowly crumbled. i knew you were sleeping most of the day…but you were ignoring my texts and snapchats…and everything just went down the drain. and when you said ‘i’m still deciding.’ well that killed it. i want to say it’s not your fault…but i really thought you were beginning to trust me and love me again. i thought this was real and it was happening and my dreams were finally coming true. but again…no.

and in exactly a week i am going back to west chester…and i know after that i’ll never see you. i know that it’s over. i’m so sad i want to cry, so angry i want to destroy my room, so frustrated i could explode, and so depressed that i feel like my life is over. why me?

WHY THE FUCK IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!?!?! I did everything right….everything. and i can’t catch a break. my life has been getting worse and worse, and i’m so stressed out and i cry myself to sleep literally every night…why?! I want to die.

Dear Jimmy,

I couldn’t tell you why I’m sending this to you, but I am. I hate myself for doing it because I’m just causing myself more issues, but I can’t sacrifice any more sleep over this. I’m literally falling apart.

I’ve gone through tons of emotional states throughout these past few months. I was proud of myself for finally ending our relationship. I was upset for a few days and cried at night in my practice room, but I guess being busy with SAI elections and schoolwork took my mind off of it. Formal sucked because I knew we were supposed to actually go together this year, and I spent the whole time dealing with Jocelyn’s stupid girl drama. Then I got shitfaced at the after party and barely remember it. After that, I was pretty much numb. I tried focusing on other guys but it never worked. People kept telling me I would get over it, I’ll get used to it, It’ll be okay, the first few weeks are the hardest, it gets easier, etc. etc. etc. Well…they were all wrong, weren’t they? I got worse. By finals week I was crying myself to sleep because all of my friends were out with their boyfriends and I was stuck inside, not even able to talk to you.

I thought I did what was best for the both of us - especially me. But you know what I’ve realized? This was best for you, and not for me. You seem happier, more independent, more focused, and overall better without me. But I’m a fucking mess. I want you to be happy and live a great, wonderful, successful life. But I want so badly to be your number one sidekick, your best friend, your soul mate, your one and only. You know, I had a dream last night…we were living together in our own apartment in West Chester with Edgar. We both had jobs, both went to classes, did chores together, watched tv together, studied together…everything. We were in love and happy. We brought out the best in each other. I had that dream, and I realized that our entire relationship was us talking about the bad in each other. I would always tell you what I didn’t like about you. But I think I realize now that I should’ve looked past that, and instead brought out the good in you. In a perfect world, I would take all of this back and start over on a good foot. But the world isn’t perfect and I don’t know if I’ll ever get that chance.

I’m realizing more and more that we live in a society where people simply throw away things that are broken without trying to fix them. Where, when our parents were our age, they fixed things that were broken. I’m not sure if it has to do with technology, or just the way the world is, but I wish we were like our parents. We were completely broken, Jimmy. We were shattered and breaking even more. But instead of throwing away those pieces, I should have glued them back together with even more love than before. I could have fixed us…but instead I ruined us. I will always live with this mistake: throwing away the best thing that has ever, and will ever, happen to me. I know I keep telling you that, but I don’t think you (or anyone, for that matter) will ever understand that. I’ve tried to tell people that I’m upset, I miss you, I’m sad, I screwed up. And all they can say is “It’ll be okay, you did the right thing.”

I guess what I’m trying to say is…I’m never going to be over you. I know deep in my heart that you were the only one for me. We were supposed to be high school sweethearts. I don’t care if you think I’m being over dramatic, emotional, ridiculous, depressed, stupid…I don’t care. I know you’re the one. I can feel it in my heart, in my mind, in my soul. I don’t expect you to suddenly want to come back to me again. I don’t even expect you to be my friend if that’s too much of a burden for you. But I need you to know how I feel. The whole reason this started was because I wasn’t open with you and I wasn’t telling you how I feel. I have a habit of bottling everything up until I’m ready to explode, and then exploding on the wrong person and treating them like complete shit. Although I regret ever breaking up with you, I am going to use it as a learning experience and hope to do better next time (if there ever is a next time for me).

I need you to know that I really care about you. No matter how many names I’ve called you, how many times I’ve bitched you out, how many times I’ve flat out treated you like shit…I deeply and sincerely care about you. In a perfect world, I would do all I can for you to live a happy, healthy life. Whether that’s helping you study, making you dinner, buying you your favorite video games, listening to your problems, or letting you cry on my shoulder. But, again, it’s not a perfect world, and I think I’ve lost all those privileges (rightfully so). I want you to be happy, and if that means it’s without me, then so be it. I may not like it, I may lose sleep over it, I may cry my eyes out over it, but I’ll try to accept it because I genuinely want you to be happy.

My ultimate dream would be to try again. Like deleting a pokemon file after beating the elite four and starting all over, because you wanted a different starter pokemon. I would want to start over, because I didn’t like what I did to you. I’ve played it out in my head: we’d start fresh and tell no one. Go on dates, talk about life, get to know each other all over again. Fall in love all over again, and figure out how to fix everything. Be open with each other and talk about any problems. Even though I may be at school 45 minutes away, I know it could work…the only reason the long distance situation didn’t work was me; i take full responsibility. I wasn’t proactive about our relationship…I will admit that my first two years were insanely stressful, but i didn’t handle the situation properly and for that I’m truly sorry.

We’ve shared so many wonderful memories together…it’s really sad that they’re basically going to waste. From our first kiss, to all of our anniversaries, to the family parties, to the more intimate moment we’ve shared…I really wish we could continue to make memories like this. I want to be a new and improved girlfriend to you. I want to surprise you with gifts, and visit you at work, and cook you dinner, and give you back massages, and help you study, and come to your concerts, and the list goes on and on…I am so willing to change for you and be a better girlfriend, but I understand that it might be too late for that.

I will never forgive myself for breaking your heart and making your life a living hell. In my mind, I can see it working. But I don’t want you to come back to me because you feel bad. I want you to do it because you genuinely want to. I want you to do it because you get butterflies thinking about us, because you want to feel that spark again, because you want to be happy with me, because you want to work with me to fix this. You have every right in the world to not want to ever date me again…but I will always want a second chance. And if you ever want to try again, I need you to know that I’ll be waiting. I can’t promise you that I’ll always be around, but as far as I’m concerned, I’m never going to get over you.

I love you, Jimmy. I don’t want you to forget that. If you ever need anything - and I mean ANYTHING - I will be here for you. Please remember me when you’re in need. I will do anything for you. “I want all of you, forever, you and me, everyday”

Love, Always and Forever,

Sammie

Stalker

I can’t stop thinking about you.

I don’t know if it’s because I’m lonely or just because I’m so into you. But my mind won’t stop wandering to thoughts of you. I think I’m driving myself insane trying to get over you. Maybe I should let myself go and stop holding back.

I don’t know if I’ll ever get over you. It’s a scary thought…I imagine myself in a few years, dating another guy. You pop up on my Facebook and I just lose it. How sad would that be?

I sound like a stalker…ugh.

If only you knew.

I think about you a lot.

I’ll always remember that one time…we were waiting for a parade or a football game or something. I wasn’t talking much. You and the rest of the guys kept asking me what was wrong. I just said I was having relationship problems…and you said “Let me know if I need to beat someone up.” Then you tried to give me your hand warmers, but I refused…You tried to put them in my hands and I let them fall to the ground, and you said “you dropped your hand warmers.”

That was the start of it. I used to hate you…I thought you were a jerk because you always yelled at us. But now I realize how right you were back then. Anyways, that’s not the point.

I just needed to know if you liked me. Others thought you did; the signs were obvious. I tried to hang out with you a lot (which didn’t always work) and let’s not forget that time you asked me if I was still dating my boyfriend. What about that time we were drunk and I walked out on you? That was a stupid thing of me to do, but…my emotions were too much for me. I was full and about to burst. So I wrote the note.

I have no doubt in my mind that that was the single stupidest thing I could have done at that point in time. I had a boyfriend, I had dropped obvious hints to you, you weren’t showing as much interest in me…but I felt the need to tell you. I couldn’t live my life thinking, ‘what if?’

And that note ended any chances we had together. Especially after I harassed you about it. Despite the classes and trips we’ve both been in, you haven’t acknowledged my existence. And it kills me everyday.

It wasn’t until I escaped my long, horrible relationship that I realized why I chose to write you that note at that point in time. There’s the obvious reason: because I needed to know what you felt for me. But the biggest reason, that even I didn’t know until now: I needed you to help me escape my relationship.

I think the term ‘abuse’ is a strong word, but I do believe I was in a somewhat emotionally abusive relationship. He made me feel like shit, but also made me feel like I needed him to survive. I could list the signs and how they related to my old relationship, but I think you know enough about it to understand.

In the past, I’ve gone from boyfriend to boyfriend with very short breaks in between. I often used a new guy to escape an old, bad relationship. But the old ones were never as bad as my most recent one. I broke up with him twice and was back together with him after a few short hours…simply because of the ways he manipulated me.

It’s not your fault that I was stuck, and you have no obligation to be interested in me. It just kills me that I’ve basically ruined any chances of us being together.

I believe that you can’t love someone until you are with them for a good amount of time…yet I’m starting to disprove that belief more and more each day. I tried to get over you because I had a boyfriend, but now I don’t. I tried to get over you because I knew you didn’t want anything to do with me, but I couldn’t. This trip to Germany has revived my feelings for you and I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve ‘liked’ you for over a year and a half…how long until it’s considered love?

I say all this and I doubt I’ve even crossed your mind in the slightest. I’m trying to leave you be and let you decide what you want, but it’s getting harder for me to deal with that. It’s your senior year and I can’t help but think that our time together (if you could call it that) is coming to an end. I don’t know whether to panic (because in reality there’s only a year left for you to decide to be with me) or be relieved (because you’ll graduate in a year and I can finally move on).

I can’t stop thinking about you. I truly believe that we’re perfect for each other: we have the same interests, we have a similar sense of humor, and we share a passion for music. I can just imagine us doing things together, making each other laugh, helping each other in school…

But I don’t know what’s going through your mind. And I guess unless you tell me, I never will. Sometimes I think you’re still into me. Sometimes I think you hate me. Sometimes I think you’re into another girl. It kills me that I’ll never know. The uncertainty is the worst part. All I can do now is wait.

If only you knew…then maybe I would know, too.

I think about

Lost.

I’ve never been this lost in my entire life.

I’ve been sad, I’ve been angry, I’ve been hurt, I’ve been depressed. But I’ve never been lost, and I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do about it.

I think I set myself up for disaster when I looked through that shoebox. The book, the notes, the gifts, the pictures. I was going to just throw them out, but I looked through the contents. And I kept them. I wasn’t upset then, but now…

Being in school has always been good for me. I thrive on being busy, being challenged, and learning new things. I am surrounded by talented souls and wonderful teachers. It’s so easy to get lost in the work and the music and forget about the rest of my life. That’s why the break up was so easy for me.

It was the day of a concert. I just did it over the phone. I cried, but I felt empowered. I had finally cut off the nearly four-year long relationship that I had put my entire being into. I really thought I could do anything after that. I was ready to surround myself with fresh faces and more positive people.

The days passed and everything was normal. I took my finals, I moved out of my dorm building, I started work again, and I had some more rehearsals and a concert. We were friends, and could talk about normal things that friends would. He was over me and I was so happy for him. He was talking to new people and so was I. My life felt content being where it was.

Yesterday changed everything.

I was doing my normal routine of watching TV with my mom when I felt a dark sadness come over me for no apparent reason. My bottom lip started quivering and my throat felt tight. What was happening to me? I ran upstairs, and it all came out. I shattered into a thousand pieces. The tears wouldn’t stop. I couldn’t control myself. I was hyperventilating, I was shaking, I couldn’t stop.

He was worried about me. I’m not a sad person. I get angry easily and have a short temper, but I am very proactive about my situations. I am very rarely sad about anything because I am always determined to succeed in all of the aspects of my life. But there seemed to be no light at the end of this tunnel, and he knew. He drove to my house and we talked in his car. It wasn’t until being next to him that I realized what was wrong with me.

I regretted my decision. I shouldn’t have been so quick to break off such a huge part of my life. Dropping him from my life was like losing an arm or a leg; you never realize how much you need it until it’s gone.

But it was too late. Our relationship was already so broken. After my final decision, there was no going back. And besides, how could I do that to him after he had finally moved on from me? It kills me to know he wants another person. I’ll always wonder if I was ever good enough. What would have happened if I didn’t end it?

I didn’t realize my emotions until I wasn’t distracted by schoolwork. Everything made sense once he kissed me last night. I was having panic attacks all week last week. I thought I was just nervous for rehearsals…but why should I be? It was my emotions trying to emerge from the dark place I hid them. Last night was the final straw, and they bursted out of me. I still love him.

I don’t know how or why but I do. I know because I want him to be happy, despite how broken I am because of it. I know because when he kissed me, I felt that spark that I felt four years ago in his basement before First Friday. I know because I can’t bring myself to look at any other guy the way I looked at him during our relationship.

All I think about is how he was the only person to ever love me entirely. He would always tell me that quote from the notebook; “I want all of you. Forever. You and me. Everyday.” I’m not a very social person, I have an obscene amount of flaws. I’m not pretty or skinny. My hair isn’t long and beautiful. My eyes aren’t enticing and mysterious. I’m stubborn and I like to argue. But he loved everything about me. He cherished me with all of his heart. How could someone throw something like that away? I’m the biggest idiot known to man, and I’ll never be able to forgive myself for throwing away something so precious. I worry that I’ll never meet someone who will love me as much as he loved me.

It isn’t until now that I realize that relationships aren’t about soulmates or finding your perfect match. It’s about teamwork, change, acceptance, and tolerance. You have to be willing to give and take in a relationship. You have to change yourself sometimes. You have to accept your partner’s flaws and work through them together. There is no perfect relationship. There will always be fights and fall outs. The important thing is that it always turns out better in the end. I used to live in this fantasy land that once you found your soulmate, you were set for life and everything would be perfect. But I know that is not the case. If everyone had a soulmate, the world would be a very different place. You have to find someone who will cherish you as much as you cherish them. Someone who is going to work with you to form a meaningful relationship. I wish I realized that sooner.

It’s sad that it ended up this way, and it’s fucked up that it’s all my fault. I’m the one causing this intense depression I’m stuck in right now. I don’t know how I’m supposed to get out of it or if I ever will. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to move on, or if I’m going to be stuck in the past forever. It seems like this pain and sadness is never going to end. I like to tell myself that I’ll fix myself…but first I need to figure out how. I’m lost in this whirlwind of emotions. My pain, my sadness, my anger, my regret, my foolishness…and my love for him.

Now I’m left, sad and alone, without anyone but myself; lost.